4th July 2008
Today, I saw Dan in town with another woman. I didn’t recognize her, she was a stranger to me. Dan glanced in my direction then he stared right through me. I think he hates me. I’m tempted to think that he hated me from the start and only married me because he saw me as someone he could manipulate. I think I’ve proved to him over recent months that I will no longer put up with that and, for now at least, he’s decided to leave me alone. I suppose he will always be there, like Banquo’s ghost, haunting me, but my nightmares are a crowded place anyway and I can put up with that. I crossed the road and walked on.
When I arrived at the office I found Angus waiting for me. He looked apprehensive and said that he had something to tell me. I feared the sack, that I’d done something wrong. Then he said ‘I love you’ and apologized. My heart sank. Angus is a decent man, level-headed and engaging in a slightly eccentric way, but he’s married with three children and I can’t be having with any of that. Besides, I’m still wary of men and not ready for a relationship. He’s been flirting with me recently, buying me small gifts – chocolates, flowers – he said these gifts were ‘thank yous’ for my work, but I sensed there was more to them than that. Angus left the office on a work related matter and I was left to think.
My instincts tell me that I’ll have to quit the agency – it wouldn’t be fair on Angus to stay, or myself for that matter. We have developed a good friendship and I don’t want to sour it. I love the agency work though and will be upset to leave. Feel very sad this evening.
Hannah Howe 