Sam’s Diary #10

16th March 2008

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For the past two days Dan has been phoning me non-stop, so I switched off my phone. He’s mixed threats with words of contrition, telling me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. At one point he started to cry and I felt sorry for him. For all his faults, and they are many, Dan is not an evil man. He is deeply troubled, yes, but in other aspects of his life he can be kind and generous. Indeed, to the outside world he comes across as polite and charming. He’s a likeable guy and his friends admire him. I’m the only person who sees his darker side and I’ve told no one about our problem. I’m not sure how I would broach the subject or where to start.

I was shopping in the local supermarket when Dan approached me. He was sober and contrite and he asked for my forgiveness. He admitted that the affair with Tina had been a mistake and that he wouldn’t do it again. He begged me to return home and to give our marriage ‘one more try’. I felt safe in a public place and I knew he wouldn’t harm me, so I told him directly that it was over, that he’d hurt me too many times, physically and emotionally, and that we had to move on. I said I’d be there for him if he ran into difficulties, but he had to allow me the space to develop my own life and move on. At first, my words seemed to make sense to him, then he went into begging mode again and asked me to ‘come home’. We were attracting the attentions of the other shoppers, so I told him to give me a week, no contact whatsoever, and I would think carefully about what he said and phone him with my answer. Dan knows that I always hold to my promises, so he accepted my words. I will think carefully about what he’s said, while at the same time hoping that I’ll find the courage not to give in to his emotional blackmail and threats.

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